The fact that Asian men struggle with online dating in order to find potential mates is an open secret in the world of dating apps. If you’re an average Asian man, you’ve most likely experienced difficult it is to get any woman to message you back. You may have even gone days, weeks or even months without a single match. You are not alone. Unfortunately statistics even prove Asian men (who accounted for over 20% of the dating body) are at a considerable disadvantage when it comes to dating apps like Tinder. But this is your online dating guide to beating the odds as an Asian man.
Because an online dating hellscape does not need to be your reality.
In the dating market of the United States, Asian men face steep competition with White or Black men in the real world. And then in the arena of dating apps, multiple studies show that it’s even harder for Asian men. But this doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I’ve managed to drastically improve my dating life both online and offline. And I’ve taught thousands of Asian men the same thing. So if I can do it. If my students can, there’s no reason why you can’t.
In fact later on, I’m going to give you five (5) proven tips on how you can get more women to match with you in online dating. Regardless of what her racial preferences are. And these are things you can do right away to get more matches, more swipes, more messages, more dates, more girlfriends, and hopefully more romantic success, love, relationships and sex.
The State Of Dating for Asian Men:
It’s no secret Asian men have a massive disadvantage dating in the Western world, unlike Asian women (who face the problem of hypersexualization and fetishization). We’re constantly emasculated and dehumanized by the media. And unfortunately, people (especially women) are buying into systemic, sexualized racism. This is leading to women of all races to dismiss Asian men such that they never swipe on us or message us back.
Research from the US. shows that when women were asked about their racial preferences, over 90% of non-Asian women excluded Asian men and did not even consider them an option. In fact, even Asian women avoid Asian men and are more likely to want to match with White men. So while access to dating apps and general societal acceptance of online dating has increased, so has sexualized racism against Asian men.
Are Asian Men Less “Eligible” With Online Dating?
Unfortunately, it gets worse with Asian men for online dating. Especially on a dating app for Asian men like Bumble or Tinder. Or heaven forbid you join eHarmony back in the day when you had to do a personality test. Alas, I got booted off eHarmony because I was too cerebral and analytical, an ‘issue’ many Asian men have. Fun times. But let’s forget about personality tests.
By far the biggest reason why it’s so difficult for Asian men to online date is because of the anonymity of women. They can discriminate against Asian men without having to admit that they’re unconsciously acting on sexualized racism (and that includes Asian women too).
She can be much more proactive about her racial preferences here because nobody will ever find out. In the real world (like when you’re approaching her), these implicit biases are easily overcome with a strong approach, a command personality, and a touch of charm. But women online can say the nastiest stuff about Asian men without any consequences.
In fact, one of the easiest ways for women to exclude Asian men is via the height filter as they can exclude anyone under 5″10 and match mostly with White and Black men. They never even have to SEE an Asian man on their smartphone and they can “honestly’ claim they “don’t see color” or aren’t racist.
The other major issue about women online is they are much more shallow, equally as shallow as men. Unlike in real life where even if a man is physically unattractive, he can improve his attractiveness by being emotionally appealing. He can be charismatic. He can make a woman laugh. He can be confident.
He can do everything to make her feel a rollercoaster of emotions of fun, excitement, and vulnerability. All the things that make a man more appealing as a lover, boyfriend and potential mate.
However, in dating apps, superficial attributes and physical looks (and by extension, race) matter to women.
This isn’t to cast moral aspersions to a woman finally being able to be shallow in her quest for male conquest. In the modern world, girls have the right to be just as much of a fuckboy as, well, boys do.
For example: A man’s height plays a huge role here. In order for a short 5 foot nothing man to get the same success as a 5′ 11.5″ tall man, he would need to make $317,000. And that’s not even including race!
By setting a height preference, a woman never has to acknowledge to herself that she’s also acting in the interest of racial purity. If an Asian man never shows up in her feed, then she never had to act on her racial exclusion in the first place, right?
What a man’s body looks like also matters a lot and many women will dismiss an male who doesn’t fit American/Eurocentric male standard of beauty which emphasizes muscle mass above all. And another superficial element women see in online dating is a man’s financial status or at least perceived financial status.
Five Ways To Beat The Odds With Online Dating For Asian Men:
Now of course, there are many things Asian guys can’t change, like how the media chooses to portray us Asian men and the institutionalization of sexual racism. At a grand societal scale, this means only 9% of all American women have ever dated an Asian man compared to 28% of all American men who said they dated Asian women. So more than likely, you will be very woman’s first Asian man. So represent us well, my Asian brothers.
But first, we’ve got to get you those matches and swipes on the dating apps! Well, there are plenty of ways an Asian male can increase their matches on a dating app, and in many cases even outperform White/Black guys. I’ve done it. My coaches have done it. And my students have done it countless times. So here are some things you need to be aware of if you want to date online as an Asian man. And here’s how Asian men can increase the online dating results…
1) Your Profile Photo (The Male Gaze VS the Female Gaze)
This is by far THE MOST important part of your profile. Regardless of what anyone else says, nothing matters more than your pictures: not your bio, not your quotes, not your opener, not nothing. Only your profile pics. If it needs to be said out loud and made obvious, but the more attractive your photos are, the more women are likely to either respond to you or message you outright.
This is the one thing that will either make or break an Asian man’s success online. Your image is the first thing women see and it serves as a first impression. And everything else (her response rate, her giving your her number, etc.) flows from your photos. People are shallow and dating apps allow women to be just as shallow as men without any of the ramifications.
Those pictures will determine within seconds whether you’re someone they swipe left on, or someone they swipe right on.. And it boggles my mind how many Asian men have terrible profile photos.
Chances are, most of you wouldn’t go on a date wearing your pajamas. Or go to the club looking like you just got out of bed. Well, having a less than impressionable profile photo is like the above scenarios.
Now, many of you are probably thinking “What does an eye-grabbing profile photo look like?” Great question.
In essence, it boils down to is the difference between a photo that is taken for the “male gaze” versus the “female gaze.” For example, a universal dude pic is a bathroom selfie where he’s shirtless. The male gaze concentrates on specific objects, namely his abs and bicep, assuming that women will also concentrate on them (as if she’s looking at him like she’s also a dude… which she isn’t and won’t).
The female gaze would take that same man down to the beach during the golden hour of sunset and he strikes a shirtless yoga pose on the beach. He’s still shirtless and showing off his muscles, but the picture is taken as a WHOLE and not just separate body parts like a man would notice (i.e. abs and biceps). The shirtless Asian yoga mystic is striking a glistening pose with his taught muscles overlooking the crashing waves of the beach under the beautiful sunset.
THAT is the Female Gaze: The WHOLE is greater than the sum it’s parts.
So let’s break down what the Female Gaze photographer looks for in taking your photograph:
First of all, the photo needs to be high-quality. You don’t need a professional photographer to take your photo. But you do need to use a quality phone camera at least AND the lighting must be EXCELLENT. Shoot for the “golden hour” which is either dawn or sunset when the lighting isn’t too harsh and just makes you GLOW. So remember, higher quality photos with great lighting.
- Then you need to make sure you have a full body shot that demonstrates your masculinity. If you’re on the shorter side like myself, you want to take photos from angles that make you look taller. If you happen to be quite ripped, feel free to show it off. But if you’re not comfortable showing off your body, wear a nice outfit. (A suit or a nice fitted shirt with jeans will do). Whatever suits you.
- Don’t be afraid to use filters as this has become universally common to the point that most camera software automatically DEFAULTS to using a filter. So use filters to clear up and smooth your skin if you have a little acne scarring or brighten up your eyes and filters can even make you seem taller. It’s completely normal in the era of Gen Z and models assume fait accompli anyways. Just make sure you don’t overdo it to the point where the woman feels she’s being catfished. Although what I found is that it doesn’t matter if you look slightly different from your profile photo or it seems your photos are “touched up.” If you have a high impact personality, the halo effect will make your pictures match your personality. This is one HUGE advantage men have over women as we can become MORE attractive with personality even if our physical attractiveness is below average (or just assumed below average because of racism).
- And the last aspect to a killer profile photo is it needs to have a background that tells a story. What do I mean by this? It needs to show what your interests are. It needs to show what you like to do. For example: If you enjoy traveling, make sure your photo consists of you traveling in a foreign country. If you’re super athletic, have a photo of you running on a track. If you’re into the gym, take a photo of you shirtless and working out. (Just make sure it’s not a selfie and it’s an actual photo).
The purpose of this is to show the woman you have a life and you have interests. Women are insanely attracted to people who have interests because it conveys personality. It conveys you’re a fun person. And it conveys you have a life outside dating.
So if you follow all 3 steps to taking a killer profile photo, you’re already halfway there.
2) What Messages, Icebreakers and Openers Do You Use on Dating Apps?
This one might sound obvious. But it’s shocking how many men start a conversation online with “Hey, how’s it going?” Or “Hey cutie.” Or “Heyyyyyyyy” with a gazillion y’s because somehow that’s going to stand out? While your photos are the most vital piece of the puzzle for Asian men in online dating, a BAD opener or message can still tank you.
Now I will say, there are some men that can get away with this. If the guy is male model good looking. Or if a guy is very rich and has a ton of status (or whatever society deems as high-status), then he’ll get away with it. Chances are, most of you reading don’t have this so you would not be able to pull this off.
So if you’ve matched with someone, how do you write an attention grabbing message that grabs her attention? You write something she’s not used to seeing. And it could be anything. It could be a terrible dad joke. It could be a tease. Anything but generic openers or corny pickup lines. If you want more help, we’ll release a future pillar article on “How to write openers that will get that woman to open your message within seconds.”
For now, just put yourself in her shoes and think “If I got this message, will I roll my eyes and delete it?” Or “Will I not be able to resist opening it?”
3) How Soon Do You Ask For Her Number And Ask Her On A Date After You’ve Swiped Right?
This point might contradict the one above. But you want to find that balance between building a tiny bit of rapport but not overdoing it. Again, this is also a very common mistake so many guys make.
I’ve seen guys message and banter with a girl back and forth for days on end. Yes, you read that right. DAYS. And when they finally met up, there was zero romantic chemistry or, worses, she looked nothing like what she looked like in her photos. Could you imagine all that time wasted? All that heartache? Think about how many women you could’ve dated while you wasted time waiting for a phone number? And set up a date early in the conversation? So don’t fall into this trap.
And here’s the thing. The longer you wait, the more likely she’ll lose attraction for you. So you want to strike while the iron is hot. I recommend my students ask for her number after a handful of messages from when they first matched. This way they build at least some connection with the woman. Enough to get her curious about them. And enough to find out what types of dates they want to take her out on.
Total elapsed time? 15 minutes.
The next ones might not seem relevant to online dating but it’s something Asian men need to be aware of.
4) Maintaining a Conversational Holding Pattern Through Memes
Listen, I’m a very funny person. In person. I can banter and make jokes with the best of them. But what I’m not good at is texting especially with the changing generational meaning of texts (Did you know, for example, the laughing face no longer means laughing to the Gen Z? Nope, they use the skull face to mean “I died from laughing.”). Between dry humor and sarcasm, it’s too easy for my humor to get washed out via text.
So I use memes. Lots and lots of memes. Memes for greetings and to set up logistics. Memes to establish value. Memes to be sexually suggestive. Memes just to meme and throw in a random joke in the conversation to keep the conversation light hearted, especially if it’s going to take over a week for us to meet up.
Whatever we’re talking about, I quickly look up if there’s a funny meme I can send. The meme does a lot of the heavy lifting of humor for me, there’s less chance it can be misunderstood and you can toss in a variety every other day to keep the conversation going while the two of you wait for the meetup date.
5) Suggest The Best Logistical Date Spot While Being Flexible
The absolute best place for you to meet a woman for date after you’ve swiped on each other, is the venue that’s closest to you. Literally, the closer the better. If you can walk the distance, even better. If you can see it from your home, even best.
Obviously, that’s not going to be viable for most people, then start looking for nice date spots that are decently close by, like 10 to 20 minutes. A restaurant, a bar, a park, or whathaveyou. She might suggest a compromise location so take that into consideration. Don’t insist on your own location if she asks for a change because it’s going to come off as creepy and a potential red flag.
So yes, you want a spot that is conveniently close by as, if you play your cards right and romantically arouse her, she’ll want to come home with you. But you also want her to fell SAFE with coming to met you as well. As they say, check your male privilege. And when it comes time for the invitation home, I always have something to suggest from meeting the cutest dog in the world to my guitar, or a pool, or anything you have at your place that’s cool.
I also offer to both get her an Uber to the restaurant so she doesn’t have to worry about driving and it’ll help reduce flaking. I also always get her an Uber back home regardless of how well (or poorly) the date ends up. I’ve had dates that I absolutely swooned over and I happily got her a ride home in the morning. And I’ve had legitimately terrible dates that I couldn’t wait to walk out and put her in a taxi (One lady insulted my dog to which I immediately told her to leave. No one, no matter how beautiful she is, gets to call my dog ugly.).
So plan out your logistics, gentlemen.
Asian Dating Sites:
One question many of you might have is “What dating apps will help Asian people with dating online more successfully?”
If you follow the steps above in this online dating guide for the Asian man, you’ll definitely start seeing a lot more matches, regardless what dating apps you use. Is it going to 100% protect you against discrimination? No. Nothing will. But as long as you notice more women wanting you, what more can you ask for? That’s something most guys will likely never experience. (Not just Afsian guys, but White guys, Black guys, Etc.)
Anyway, the most used dating apps are Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. But some that are more catered for Asian men include East Meets East, TanTan, or Green Tea Coffee Date or Asian Beauty Online. (There are more Asian women on those dating apps). Although what I find is regardless what dating apps you use it doesn’t matter. If you follow all those tips, you will see the same success as a 6’3 White or Black guy.
Level Up Your Game With The Top Asian Dating Coach™
Hopefully this online dating guide for Asian men will be able supercharge your dating app results. But just remember, no matter how successful you get at swiping, you still have to meet the woman in real life and showcase your charm, confidence and personality. And that can be tough if you’re used to hiding behind the screen especially after years of Covid-19 social isolation.
If you want to work with an Asian dating coach who has done it all. If you want to work with me 1-on-1 with my other exclusively picked Asian Dating coaches. And if you want to achieve something most men can only dream of, you’ve come to the right place.
This event will transform you as an Asian man.
All your limiting beliefs will disappear. All those voices about how Asian men are undesirable will disappear. And all those voices telling you you don’t deserve to date outside your race will disappear. Chances are, you’ll look back and laugh at how you believed all that in the first place. I know all my students have.
Most importantly you’ll be the best version of yourself after this event. You’ll have that ‘solid foundation’ I always talk about Asian men having to build. The foundation White and Black men usually already have. If you want to learn more and be the Asian man that can find his potential mate anywhere and anytime, then here’s the link one more time.