Asian men living in the US and other western cultures face a multitude of dating problems caused by discrimination. Sometimes it’s very subtle. Such as never seeing an Asian man playing a lead romantic role in movies. But other times it’s obvious. Like a famous comedians mocking helpless Asian children on live TV. This has real world effects creating stereotypes of Asian men in the form of sexualized racism which severely impacts our self-esteem.
Stereotypes are created in these hateful spaces of mockery and ridicule that transform Asian men into misogynistic caricatures of Yellow Peril villians or simply invisible and subhuman to women. Or for Asian women its the hypersexualization and fetishization of Asian women.
Because emasculation and fetishization are both sides of the same coin of dehumanization.
The tragic part is when these stereotypes metastasizes in our own Asian American community in the form of internalized racism. It’s perfectly normal if you want to have a romantic relationship with someone that has your same cultural background and Asian identity. It’s great even. But sexualized racism has created a gender gap in interracial marriages between Asian men and Asian women and it is extremely lopsided.
In fact, 54% of American born Asian women will not marry an Asian man. That’s literally over half. You’ve probably heard an Asian girl say, “Oh I don’t date Asian men because he looks like my brother/father.” And is absolutely her right to date whomever she wants, even if it is problematic and is coming from a place of internalized racism and stereotypes.
But that choice, propagated on a societal level of institutional racism, creates long lasting effects and harm for our community because it encourages sexualized racism. And those stereotypes, that Asian men are subhuman compared to other men, encourages other women to act against us.
And so a host of Asian men dating problems has now been created on an almost systemic level. For example, I once had a student fresh out of college who was excited to go on a date with a pretty American woman. He arrived at her apartment in a freshly cleaned suit, knocked on her door and she opened it with her two girlfriends…
“Did you think I was going to actually go out with you? AN ASIAN GUY?”
And she slammed the door in his face. She brought him all the way out there just so she could feel validated in front of her friends and reject him specifically because he was an Asian guy.
Of course, not all Asian men will face sexualized racism from white girls (and others), but many of us have. And it’s a generational fight both within our community and without it.
Now in the modern era when COVID first broke out, an all new stereotype has been created where people see Asians as walking diseases. Many Asian Americans were physically attacked. Some of us were even being denied entry into venues because they thought we were disease carriers. And overall, it seems like the entire world was against Asian men. No one wants to help us. No one wants anything to do with us. And no one wants to be near us.
If you’re like most Asian men, you’ve likely experienced at least a few of the above scenarios, if not all. And probably many more that I haven’t even listed here. So it’s understandable when Asian men want to do better with women, but don’t know where or how to start.
When I first started out, that’s exactly how I felt. I endured racial bullying, being ignored and made invisible for most of my life. And this created self-esteem issues because I had issues with accepting my Asian identity.
Until I decided to take action and change my life and my results.
And not only was I able to conquer those obstacles, I’ve also made it my own personal mission for over 10 years helping Asian men like you overcome all those same hurdles. So if I can do it. If my students can do it. Then so can you.
Common Dating Problems for Asian Men
In the study “Influences of Culture on Asian Americans’ sexuality” in the Journal of Sexual Health (2002), it lists the following as to why Asian men have trouble establishing intimate relationships:
- Conservative standards
- Internalized self-racism
- Less positive body images
- “Racialized stereotypes of Asian American men as asexual and undesirable sexual partners“
Other than the first point, the other three contributing factors to the Asian men dating problems actually feed into each other like a snake eating it’s tail.
Our internalized racism makes us have less positive body images about ourselves. That in turn both lowers our self-esteem as Asian men and also makes other American women look at us as unattractive sexual partners. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It’s a vicious cycle of sexualized racism, but if you can defeat these challenges (which I’ll cover later on in this article), you’ll have the same, if not more success than most men out there.
I’ll address “#1 Conservative Standards” further in the article, but without further ado, here they are the other three points:
Discrimination Causes Internalized Self-Racism:
The tragic irony of being discriminated against is that we start to internalize those actions, those stereotypes, into belief systems in our unconscious mind.
If we’re told that we’re ugly enough times, we start to believe that we’re ugly.
This can manifest in different ways like Asian men not even trying to socialize and improve their dating status in real life to that of (some) Asian women who actively seek to excuse white racism in order achieve adjacent white privelege.
For example, in the movie “To All The Boys I Loved Before” (starring an Asian woman in a trilogy and book franchise) they’re watching “Sixteen Candles” when the gong sounds off and Long Duk Dong appears, who is a racist caricature of an Asian man. The white male points out that’s pretty racist, but the Asian girl excuses it as it being ok because the white male lead is attractive.
Ergo, because the white male is superior and desired by the Asian female, it creates a permission structure for women to be racist against Asian men.
A stereotype in a movie over four decades ago, manifested itself in the psyche of a (fictional) modern Asian girl, who then follows a pattern of behavior based off of internalized racism to uplift white men while throwing her own Asian identity under the bus.
Yes, you might argue that this is just one movie (out of a blockbuster franchise), but there is much, much more where this came from.
Americans consume copious amounts of TV and other media. They watch it for hours upon end. More specifically, “averaging about 3.1 hours per day.”
And because of that, most Americans are seeing all this discrimination against Asian men and how permissible it is. They’re buying into the narrative without even realizing it. And overtime, the more they see it, the more it becomes “normal” and many times, the damage is irreversible.
This is the power of propaganda because what people see, people will believe, and people will act upon.
So now another generation starts to unconsciously believe Asian men are effeminate and lack confidence. Many of them start to believe Asian men are super nerdy, spend all day studying and only play video games. And in modern times, that Asians are Covid disease carriers.
Many of them believe those stereotypes without even questioning them. And its this dehumanization is what makes women reject Asian men, both in real life and in online dating (especially on dating apps like Tinder which is against Asian men). Not because there was anything wrong with him or if he awkwardly approached her, but simply his very existence as an Asian man is considered abhorrent.
And all this leads to Asian men having low self esteem because we Asian men start believing it ourselves and thus we internalize that self-racism. And so Asian men dating problems continue to build on top of itself.
We Are Not Seen As Real Men (Desexualization)
The Western male aesthetic has a clearly defined look that is threatened by the rise of alternative Asian male sexual identities like KPop, for example. You can see this in the backlash against Asian men for wearing make up, wearing elevator shoes, the different fashion Asians wear, the slim build and facial features.
All this is a direct threat to what is considered the “Western alpha male look” who is physically big, tall, muscular, and chiseled. Such an American man hides his feelings, isn’t considerate in a relationship, obsesses over material objects, disdains skincare, thinks romanticism is weakness, prizes random sex and has the “take charge alpha mindset.”
In other word, Western toxic masculinity.
But despite, or perhaps because of, the toxic Eurocentric standard of male beauty, Asian men continue to have our sexual identity questioned and ridiculed.
When the dominant group controls the narrative of the smaller group’s gender identity and sexual orientation, they can control your story and your access to social advancement as well as physical safety.
“Better to be a toxic white man,” society whispers, “than be with a subhuman, asexual Asian eunuch with a small, ineffectual, penis.”
And this form of control manifests itself through stereotypes. Because the media needs stereotypes to portray Asian men in a certain, easy to understand, manner.
By constantly spreading these stereotypes, it becomes propaganda. And the purpose of propaganda is to spread rumors through repetition. Even if they’re exaggerated. Even if they’re flat-out lies.
Because when humans see something over and over again, they start to believe it.
For example: If someone sees a man wearing a dress for the first time, it will seem shocking. It might even seem sick to some people. But if that person sees that same guy wearing a dress fifty times, that person becomes used to it as his consciousness has expanded.
That person starts to believe a male wearing a dress is normal and that clothes doesn’t inherently have a gender to it. Even though previously it was unfathomable to the average person. Even though it’s completely “abnormal” to some.
That’s how propaganda works. That’s how the media targets Asian men. And that’s how stereotypes are weaponized against us to create all these Asian men dating problems.
There are ways to manage and defeat these stereotypes. And I’ll address how to overcome them later in this article.
For now, know that there are six (6) major stereotypes about Asian men you need to be aware of:
- Asian men are physically weaker (height, muscles, etc)
- Asian men are sexually less desirable (small penis, we’re the least swiped of all races in online dating apps, etc)
- Asian men are nerdy and pursue the lesser achievements (we’re not the football quarterback or glamorous playboy)
- Asian men are forever foreigners or model minorities (we speak broken English and only stick within our own kind)
- Asians all look alike (we don’t need to be given individual respect, Asian Poker Face)
- Asian men aren’t leaders (we’ll never be the President)
And here’s what we can do about that.
Overcoming Asian Men Stereotypes While Dating
Here’s the insidious truth about stereotypes, you’re not going to be able to “logically argue” a woman out of her unconscious racial bias. But here’s the secret, and this is why I was voted USA’s #1 Asian Dating Coach™, you can CHANGE HER MOOD.
However, if you embrace your own Asian Male Sexual Archetype, you’ll be able to beat all those stereotypes. Then you can date Black, Latina, and White women, so let me give you four (4) dating tips for Asian men you can implement RIGHT AWAY
1) Be Yourself
This is one of the most trite, overused, and worthless pieces of advice that a man can ever get when overcoming his dating problems. However, it’s also the BEST dating advice you can get when it comes to defeating Asian men dating problems.
That’s because “Be Yourself” really is the truth in being the type of man whom women consider attractive, but the actual implementation is where men fail. Because the moment you start talking to a beautiful girl, especially an American girl of a race that you never even once thought you could date, you become nervous and anxious.
You start doubting your own value as a man. You’ve become a different version of yourself, a nervous human wreckage around pretty girls. And that’s not the version of you that you want to embody and project.
Instead, you want to own your natural self, the self that is complete at ease and making stupid jokes around his best friends. That’s the confident “Being Yourself” that you want to show off.
Like if you’re a nerdy Asian, then be a nerdy attractive Asian. Brainy, after all, is the new sexy.
2) Be Proud
This ties into the point above and I get it. It can feel like an uphill battle to feel proud of your Asian identity when facing Asian men dating problems. It can feel impossible to feel secure in your culture when all the outside entities are telling you you’re not enough, or when people make fun of your culture and your food.
It can feel like trying to climb out of a deep hole without a ladder when everyone is mocking you. As I say I get it.
But you can’t keep looking outside of yourself to feel confident. You want to feel pride in yourself and your identity because your confidence will come from the inside instead of external validation like the praise of other people.
Not only that. Asian men are much more family oriented. We’re more likely to want to be in a relationship, more likely to be the breadwinner and the least likely to commit violence. And looks wise, we age much better than other men.
In fact, start embracing your own Asian identity by (re)learning your Asian history, language, culture, religion, family and food. Don’t exclude your own Asianness from who you are. Learn the proud history of your people, the wonderful philosophy of Buddhism (if that’s what your family is), and the delicious cuisine of your mother country.
Be proud of being Asian and be successful because you’re an Asian man, not in spite of being Asian.
3) Be Confident
Granted, to be more confident is easier said than done, but the idea isn’t to magically transform over night. But rather to HOLISTICALLY improve yourself in all the main pillars of confidence, namely:
- Emotional State
- Body Language
- Communication Skills
In colloquial dating terms, that’s Inner Game, Outer Game, and Verbal Game. By working, improving, and practicing these aspects of yourself, you’ll be better at conveying your internal confidence to the external world.
And when you do that, you’ll have all the necessary tools you need to dismantle all the Asian men dating problem you’ll face.
4) Be Positive
Now I get it. Dating as an Asian male is an uphill struggle. It can seem like the outside world is doing everything it can to oppress you. And it can feel like nobody will even consider dating Asian men.
But here’s what I want you to realize. Complaining about how hard it is to date as an Asian isn’t going to solve anything. It’s not going to make people feel sorry for you and want to date you. And for sure, it’s not going to empower you to do better.
In fact, it can do the reverse and make it HARDER for you to date. If you have a negative mindset, not only do you close off your mentality from recognizing opportunities right in front of you, but also the negative emotions bleeds into your actions to the point of being noticeable.
This will only lead to a vicious cycle of not going out there and improving your dating life. Of getting deeper and deeper into the rut. And it will most likely cause you to be single like so many Asian men (65% of Asian men ages 25 to 32 were in romantic relationships, compared to over three-quarters of Black, Hispanic and white men. The data also showed that Asian women were half as likely to be unpartnered, compared with Asian men).
But I’m here to tell you: You don’t have to become a statistic.
And I can prove it.
How Asian Men Can Get The Women Of Their Dreams
Now you know what you can do to get started, here are four (4) practical steps on HOW to start taking action.
1) Be Open To Interracially Dating White, Black, and Latin Women
One of the biggest stereotypes of Asian men is that we only date other Asian women and it’s partially true because of the previous section of Asian men dating problems, “#1 Conservative Standards.”
So you pair that racial preference of Asian men with the racial exclusion of Asian women who are exclusively out-dating (which is their right even if it comes from internalized racism). This creates a numerical (and significant) gender gap that no amount of wishful thinking is going to overcome where Asian men are twice as likely to be unpartnered than Asian women (35% vs 18%)
Thus from a practical, sociological point of view, it now becomes a pure math problem to solve the gender gap. What that means is that for you to be successful dating as an Asian male, your own racial preferences have to open up to include having romantic relationships with white women, black women, Latin women, and so on.
The tyranny of math simply says if you don’t expand your dating horizons, you’re going to be pushed out of the dating pool. Literally and figuratively. You can even use a demographic dating calculator to create a population snapshot of your dating criteria.
Let’s assume you’re a cisgender heterosexual Asian American male looking for a standard dating demographic (18-29, 4’11” to 5’8″, excluding obese). The independent variable is that one calculation is Asian exclusive and the other has no racial preference.
Then you have a 0.945% probability of meeting a dateable Asian woman versus if you have no racial preference, then you have a 15.75% probability of finding a dateable partner. That’s an over 1500% increase!
Or let’s put it another way. If you only date Asian women, then that’s a possible population pool of only 245,000 single Asian women. But if you include ALL races, then you have a population pool of 4,090,000 single women.
That’s a 1,669% increase in potential partners and future soul mates (I swear I didn’t make up that specific number, do the math yourself, lol) .
And all you have to do to increase your dating success is to open yourself up to dating white, black Latin and Asian women. Don’t be the Asian guy that is always left out.
2) Become The Better Version Of Yourself
I used to believe the key to success with women was to be the best version of yourself to tackle Asian men dating problem. But after coaching literally thousand of men around the world, I realized that “being the best” was both unrealistic and could actually be harmful.
Instead, you should become a BETTER man today than you were yesterday. You want to practice all the three pillars of holistic confidence by working on your Inner Game, your Outer Game and your Verbal Game. Everyday you want to do something, even if it’s just one thing, to improve yourself.
For your Inner Game, get out a pen, think about everything you love about yourself and write them out (I guarantee you’ll find many things if you really think about it). And do this every day. Even though this sounds so simple, it will go a long way to making you feel much more proud of yourself.
The confidence that comes from inside of you gives off a noticeably different kind of energy than the one that comes from external validation.
For your Outer Game, work on your Asian Poker Face. For most people, it’s called Resting Bitch Face, which is your neutral expression, but to others it actually comes off as actively distancing and negative. It’s even worse for Asians because people of different races have a harder time telling our emotional states so they’ll revert to the path of least resistance. So if they can’t figure out your emotions, then you’ll just be labeled as creepy.
So practice expressing yourself in the mirror. Learn to express the happiness inside of you with smiling or your emotional sensitivity with a vulnerable expression. Learn to communicate with your body just as much as your words.
For your Verbal Game, work on your communication skills. And it’s OK if you’re ESL (English as Second Language) and have an Asian accent. Practice speaking out loud if you aren’t used to it. Practice in the mirror telling short, two minute stories. Practice doing the Kickstarter Opener and strike up a normal conversation at a night venue by saying, “Cheers! My name’s JT, what’s yours?”
Just get used to talking, but most importantly, being COMFORTABLE talking just for the sake of talking because you believe what you have to say is important and you DESERVE to be listened to.
In addition, don’t forget to improve upon your mindset and lifestyle. Keep your original lifestyle, but make some subtle tweaks. Maybe start going to the gym. Start a side-hustle. Start up a new hobby that’s both interesting and includes women. Doing those things likely won’t take more than a few hours of your week. But it really moves the needle and will help you meet more women.
And to be fair, you shouldn’t be doing this just to meet women. You should be doing this for yourself. And you should be doing this because it will make you a more interesting and attractive person. To everyone.
3) Stop Worrying What Others Think
When you see other men being successful with women, you might start thinking about a few things. You might think, “It’s so unfair, why do only Asian men dating problems affect me? They don’t have to put in half the work we have to in order to attract women.”
“Or they embody all the Eurocentric standards of beauty that women love.”
“Or why do I as an Asian man have to face all this humiliation and be a laughing stock when I did nothing to deserve it?”
“Or why do some Asian women embrace the stereotype of hypersexualization and fetishization and then turn around to spread the white supremacist screed that Asian men are subhumans?”
And I completely understand where you’re coming from. I used to think like that as well. I felt like no matter how successful I was, I just couldn’t compete with other men or that a racist society couldn’t change. So again, I get where you’re coming from.
But one thing I’ve learned in my many years of both my successes with women and my success in coaching my students, is that you cannot compete with other men. Nor should you. When you compare yourself to others, you’ll look at what you’re not doing. And you’ll overlook what you are doing.
You’ll likely fall into the trap of making all sorts of progress (like dating more women), but you’ll constantly feel empty because you keep wanting more and more. Like one beautiful blonde woman isn’t enough so you want ten. And then twenty. And that’s still never enough because you aren’t basing your accomplishment on your own happiness, but by the standards of someone else. Other men who aren’t going to make you happy.
And this might be because you saw another man who was more confident than you were. Many times, it will make you feel depressed. It will likely make you feel like you haven’t achieved anything when you have. And many times, it can make you think, “What’s the point of doing all this? I’m not like this person. I never will be. So I’ll give up.”
So as cliché as this sounds, you only want to focus on your own backyard. I know it’s easier said than done but here’s what you can do right off the bat. Ask yourself:
- “Am I feeling better about myself?”
- “Am I improving as a man? (Financially, romantically, mentally, etc.)
- “Am I taking action everyday?”
- “Am I getting closer to what I want to achieve in life?”
- “Am what I doing making ME happier?”
There can be so many more but you likely get the gist. And if you answered ‘yes’ to all those questions, congratulations! That’s all you can ask for. Own it and keep going. And do NOT look at someone else and get discouraged. That’s a one way ticket to falling back into old habits.
4) Relationship Building
Make friends. Seriously, as you get out there to socialize and meet women, you’re going to naturally interact with a lot of people.
From the bouncers, to promoters, to bartenders and all the dozen of women you’ll be approaching, take each opportunity as not only a way to practice your social skills, but also as a potential friend.
Regardless of their race or their gender or their status and position in life, learn that each person is a unique individual that deserves your individual attention and respect. I’m not saying you have to be everyone’s best friend, but socializing and flirting is a fun thing to do so you might as well learn from it as well.
So as you talk to a person, think of it as a necessary relationship building exercise to conquer the pesky Asian men dating problems. Maybe they’ll just be an acquaintance for the night who will help you practice your story telling skills. Or maybe you’ll learn how to make a cool drink from the bartender. And maybe you can practice getting a phone number from the girl you’re interested in.
Build relationships with people WITHOUT any expectation of your own.
Don’t talk to the girl expecting her to come home with you or expecting her to immediately have sex with you. Just build relationships with women until you’re used to making friends and socializing for the sake of socializing.
And that ease you’ll have around people you don’t know, the ease with which you’ll be able to talk to a random stranger, is the thing that you’ll need to “Be Yourself” because you won’t be full of anxiety or nervousness around strangers and beautiful women.
By concentrating on building relationship, making friends, and even sometimes a date, you’ll be both happier, increased your emotional intelligence, and more experienced in your social skillset.
It all comes full circle as your Inner Game development feeds into your Physical Game and which influences your Verbal Game. And now, you’re a happier and more powerful version of yourself because you trained yourself in a holistic way that’s unique to the development of Asian men.
Dating While Asian – It’s Easier Than You Think
I know this may contradict everything I’ve said but here’s the thing. Yes, the Asian men dating problems we face include a ton of discrimination from the media and in real life discrimination. And unfortunately, those stereotypes likely aren’t going away anytime soon. It’s an intergenerational struggle and a fight that will last until our children’s time.
But nobody can make you feel bad without your consent, and this is where most Asian men go wrong. So this means if you limit your exposure to TV. This means if you start going out and interacting with women. This means if you advance in your career. And this means if you continue enhancing your self-esteem, you’ll start to believe in yourself. You’ll know who you are and all those outside entities will not get inside your head.
If anything, you’ll project all the attractive traits about you and women will pick up on it. They’ll pick up on the fact that you’re proud to be an Asian man. They’ll pick up on the fact that you don’t let outside noise knock your self-esteem down. And funny enough, she’ll start to buy into your frame and start liking what you believe. This is the law of attraction. What you feel. She feels. And this applies to all women. White women. Black women. Latin women. Everyone.
So to recap everything. When faced with adversity. And when it seems like everyone is against Asian men, you have two options. You can either let it get to you and stay single. Or, worse, settle for someone you’re not truly attracted to.
OR you can rise up to the challenge and use this as fuel, to galvanize your skillset with women. And know if you chose the second option, you’re not alone. Far from it. In fact, you have me. You have my coaches as well as my students who are all on your side. Who will all support you on your journey and help you achieve the dating life you desire.
So if you do the work. If you follow our guidance. And if you’re held accountable, there’s no reason why you can’t be successful with your dream women.
I’ve eliminated all the Asian men dating problems from my life and achieved my dream dating life. My coaches have all done it. And my students have done it.
If you want to be the next Asian man to control his dating destiny, then trust in The Asian Dating Coach who provides the only Dating Coaching that fights sexualized racism for Asian men who want to find love and sex in the modern Western world.